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| ...which is just the most recent in a series of recent humiliations and I'm okay with it! I can take it. But this is really the living end. I have seen enough to know that I have seen enough! Now I want something good to happen. I want something good to happen before the day is over and I will be the judge of what's good. | | |
| So... um... I have a new song to play... and... it's this new genre I'm trying... called happy. | | |
| It's dead up here. I could have closed and left with Tony and no one would have noticed... so... until it's late night talk with Dan time... I'm gonna talk to YOU! Yes... you.
As ready as I am to get outta this place... I'm gonna miss it. I'm gonna miss running into someone I know every three feet, who stops me to have a half hour conversation. It has literally taken me hours to get from the ed building to the tke house that way. I love that. That doesn't happen in real life. Unless... you live in one of those hella small, creepy towns were everyone can say, "You stay out of trouble, Billy BoJohnson. I know your mother." And who wants that? Narcs, I tell ya.
But what I'll miss most... is the conversation. A group of us just sit among the circle of pines at four in the morning and talk... about real things. Things that actually challenge my thinking... I learn things. For example... last night we went out to this hippie bar and had meaningful... let me stress meaningful... conversations with strangers... (well... they're only strangers to some of us now...) Elliot, Morgan, and I were taking a break from dancing... Shit. I didn't put my name on that band's mailing list. Damnit. Anyway... yeah. Break from dancing... and I got so involved in the debate about Buddism (ironic) with Rusty and Jo and Steven that I FORGOT to go back in and dance. I forgot to dance. ME! I don't do that with other people. We talk, no doubt but... I don't feel like I learn from anyone as much as I learn from my friends here.
I've also been thinking about how I'm never going to see most of these people again. Sure, the Amys and I will keep in touch over summer and such... cause I can't live without them... I might see Delon in coventry once or twice a year... I'll see Terra and Keith... maybe Elliot will come climbing or repelling with Poop and me in the next few months... but the rest of em... I probably won't see again. The convo boys... Gwyn and Baba Shane... Bobby and Wakefield... Shane and Alicia... Tim... the TKEs... nope.
Then I realized where I will be seeing some of these people... and then did I feel old. I will be seeing Proulx and Bethany and people like that at... WEDDINGS. Weddings for chrissakes. Just this upcoming summer Sherri, Vahn, Frankie, Steven... getting fuckin married.
Graduation doesn't make me feel old. That does.
I won't see my kids again after Friday. I'll even miss those little boogers. It was kinda nice to be able to come back after a few days... the kids and I could appreciate each other more. They actually came up to me, threw their little arms around my waist and said, "Will you teach us math just one more time?" What the hell is that? I wish they were that interested... and cute... a few weeks ago. The only job I insisted on keeping for the week is reading Charlie and the Chocolate Factory to them aloud. That book is stellar. I get to do my English, German, Boston, old man, and bratty accents all in the same book... same chapter even.
Yeah. I'll miss them.
But they weren't on my mind on the drive back today... I could only hang on Ani's every word...
As dolls go I am broken
And you could just let that get us off the hook
But from under the umbrella of the unspoken
I see you giving me that look
Baby, you're right as rain about the benefits
But you might be wrong about the costs
And it feeds my heart that you came looking for me
But I'm thinkin I need to stay lost
So I won't say I saw you fibbing
Or jump-jigging across the floor
I won't say you walked me to my car
And draped your arm on my open door
I know my mind is made of matter
But I need to know exactly
What is the matter at it's core
Because my heart is just a muscle
And simply put, it's sore
So never mind about the benefits
And never mind about the costs
That don't change the basic premises
In which I am surely lost
So I won't say I saw you fibbing
Or jump-jigging across the floor
I won't say you walked me to my car
And draped your arm on my open door
I have to make a choice... and fucking stick to it. That's what I have to do...
And that makes me nervous...
Ooooooooookay. I might bounce outta here early... for the last time cause it's senior night and I should show before I go meet the guys at obrians... oh! I was just informed that my lady crush is there. We should hit up the fountain too... wait... that's tomorrow night. Can't fuck with tradition.
Although... if we were considering tradition... I'd need a helluva lot of toilet paper, laundry detergent, sidewalk chalk... and about 30 half naked college students...
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| Right. Start from the beginning... and when you come to the end... STOP!
Well... I am reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good at pushing people away.
Turns out this self preservation thing works on multiple levels.
Good thing I get to think about it while simultaneously figuring out the rest. of. my. LIFE.
Cause I'm totally ready for that.
Thank god the easiest way to deal is to keep so busy that I don't think about... anything. So that I don't get... anywhere.
It's a whole lot easier to be angry than sad... so I'm trying it out. Is the sarcasm working for everyone?
You can't hide
Behind social graces...
What bugs me
Is that you believe what you're saying
What bothers me
Is that you don't know how you feel
What scares me
Is that while you're telling me stories
You actually believe that they are real
Keeping busy does seriously help... I get to catch up with everyone this week before we all leave this place permanently. We're even meeting with Moseman for lunch. I'm really looking forward to it. I forgot how much fun some of these people were until I ran into them today. Tim's fuckin hilarious. I don't know how I always forget that. Carrie's takin us to what she described as a "hot hippie bon fire" tomorrow night... I hope I get back in time to go to school in the morning. Before that Terra and I will spend the whole day outside at the kingwood center in alice costumes with tea. I'm fuckin excited.
MUSHTARD?! Not let's be silly!
It's just that the whole... being done with school will take some... a lot... to get used to. On the drive back from Poop's today I honestly panicked for a few seconds cause I didn't know where I was driving to. I understood that I should be driving towards the concept of "home" but I didn't know where that was. It wasn't here, in Ashland... this doesn't feel like home. It wasn't up north... I don't even... live there anymore. It wasn't Athens... cause... well... I don't feel welcome there. I don't feel like I have a "home." I feel like I've alienated myself from everyone... everywhere. I've done a really good job of that lately.
And now Poop's on a boat for a week so I can't even tell him how shitty I feel about doing that to him.
The only thing I could think to do when I got back here from Athens was to put on some loud music and start chucking all of my belongings into boxes. Of course... I got yelled at within the first three minutes because my music is ALWAYS too loud.
The Mr. Meaty zombie episode is honestly creeping me out a bit right now.
Maybe after I've spent some time with the boys at home I'll feel... like it's home. After all the kids come to graduation we're spending the night with the interns? That will be interesting. There's a place I haven't been in a big while.
I guess I'll just keep wearing these pants... without washing them... so that I am reminded of Athens' woods and repelling off cliffs and waterfalls with Poop... instead of pouting.
Cause when I look around
I think this, this is good enough
And I try to laugh
At whatever life brings
Cause when I look down
I just miss all the good stuff
When I look up
I just trip over things
Soon I'll get to write about happy things... cause I won't be screwing things up... Yeah. Look forward to THAT... man!
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| I found my first disk of canon! That makes tonight so much easier.
She lay down in her party dress
And never got up
Needless to say
She missed the party
She just got sad
Then she got stuck
She was wincing
Like something brittle
Trying hard to bend
She was numb
With the terror
Of losing her best friend
We never see things changing
We only see them ending
Every once in a while I remember how naive I am. That's how I feel when I think about the people who mean the most to me. I hate feeling like I need people more than they need me. I can't handle that kind of vulnerability... especially on this day.
It was a lot easier last year. When I had Lizz and Kyle and Morgan to publicly embarrass themselves with me when I needed that upper. But now Lizz is gone, Kyle is gone... and Morgan and I are too busy to even sit down and eat.
I made the mistake of actually thinking about my current schedule. I sleep an average of 5 hours, then I get my ass kicked by 26 second-graders for 9 hours, then I go to work for 6 or 7 hours, and come back to the room to grade papers or something like that for another hour or two. The leftover time is spent driving, picking up my meals... or hanging out downstairs with Dan, flinging rubber bands and peanuts at Morgan's head while she frantically types a paper.
You can't not love that man.
But THEN I thought about what my schedule will be like for the first month of summer, before work starts. I'm gonna sleep till 10am, ride my bike for an hour, walk in the woods for an hour, do a half hour of yoga, eat, do like... 7 hours of my online class slash job applying, then go to the boys house to work out with Collin, then play till like 2 or 3am.
He's getting us bunk beds.
In there will be some hiking and piano playing and cello playing and... all kindsa stuff.
Then when work starts, Poop will be back from school. Oh! And Jim asked that I work cabin two with him this year... so that will be fun.
So when I can stop thinking about how I have no plan beyond that... it should completely make up of all this.
Yeah.
You'll say it's really good to see you
You'll say I missed you horribly
You'll say let me carry that
Give that to me
And you will take the heavy stuff
And you will drive the car
And I'll look out the window and make jokes
About the way things are
Meredith was here this weekend too. We had a lot of time to talk. I realized that now is not a good time to think. BUT! Instead of completely passing out when she got here Friday night, like I thought I might, she helped me run like a maniac to the cemetery with everyone and last the whole weekend. We went to Sandusky with some people Saturday night to pee outside... a lot. There was A LOT of that.
Oh. Right. My supervisor goes to bed long before I do so I should get this shit done and send it.
Three weeks.
Three weeks, three weeks, three weeks...
Three weeks.
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